HAHA helloooo again blog! been ages once again! woah now everytime i post sth here i always start with "itsbeen a long long time...."! hahaha bad sign, it means i havent been reflecting much :( blogging on xanga is so lehche now and i prefer to keep things in my SAF notebook haha :) all my ideas and thoughts and what not can easily be expressed through the freedom of handwritten script :) so much for technological advancement and conveniecne :P pen and paper will still win after all :)

hahaha I'm really blessed with so much 'things' (cant find a better word to classify everything) this year and maybe a lil of last year :) Before army i really expected the worst like lack of sleep and shitty commanders that will screw you for nothing. But now, things are so different. The first few weeks of army were such a delight :) cos of the expectation and reality thingy :) hahaha i was quite hyped up la... although there were quite a lot of administrative matters to do like setting up our lockers and uniforms and helmets and field packs and ILBVs (Individual Load bearing Vests)... woah my fingers hurt so much from all the weaving... The first few weeks of BMT is the physical phase of army. Training our fitness :) swim, run, strength x999999! vvvv normal :) then things started to get more interesting like receiving our rifles and learning all the soldiering skills like arresting ppl! :) hehe and self defence :) looks like i can be *sumbudy's personal bodyguard now!* erhm erhm

But then things started to get boring.... everyday wake up at 5 to draw arms then breakfast then activity then lunch then break then activity then dinner.... and plus when i book out, my body clock is super synced to the army one, i cannot sleep beyond 530... sometimes 630 but no later man! sucks... everything became mundane and it still is... now every week i just look forward to book out :) talk about book outs, its a fun occasion :) hahaha cos we really wanna see our family and friends too! and i'm really blessed with such a loving family cos my grandpa and mum will come all the way from bt timah to pasir ris just to pick me :) hahaha plus they dont come alone, they always come with the whole family or sth... just to celebrate my return hahaha :) didnt knew my family loved me so much :) *side tracking a lil*- field camp was easier than i thought it would be. same thing no sleep and all that... but for my company's field came, we got a lot of sleep cos we cant do much after it gets dark and we arent supposed to have any lights on :) hahaha but anyway, more of field camp later :) on the third day of field camp, i received letters from my family (though it was dated like in feb but aiya the feelins still the same :)) hahaha that was when i really realised how much my family meant to me :0 hahhaha details cannot say here la but aiya i began to pine for them more :)

Oggay back to book ins! every sunday afternoon I'll feel like super sian cos im going to book in anytime soon :( then the ferry ride is the most sian part. but once i reach tekong, suddenly everything seems so normal again. HAHA my uncle shared with me his book in stories and our feelings were exactly the same! HAHA i think its pretty much the same throughout all the recruits :) hahaha

Woah field camp. Its meant to be the toughest part of BMT... venturing somewhere away from our bunks and into the jungle... we had to pitch our tents on wet but still hard soil and there were tree roots everywhere... the tent was so small and it could barely fit my buddy, two field packs, our rifles, our ILBVs, helmets and I :(( woah literally half my body was out the whole time... On the first two nights it rained like crazy and it was SUPER OMEGA COLD... i wore my long 4 (green top and bottom plus socks) plus an additional raincoat plus a towel and it wasnt enough man... i was shivering like shit... it was hell at that moment... hahah and i couldnt sleep :( once i had to wrap my entire face in a towel and it worked! hahahaha then came shell script day, digging a two feet deep hole long enough for your body plus field pack at the back! somehow a lot of people cannot do it... they take hours but for me.. i dont know la, not bragging also but i was able to complete mine in like 2 hours?? hahaha then the rest of time was slack and helping others... The worst part is the night when you're supposed to sleep inside the whole with no shelter from the rain... ifit rains, GG. it will get flooded and you will drown. So i prayed really hard and thankfully it didnt rain! HAHA well those were the more memorable parts of field camp :)

just last monday i fired my rifle with real rounds and it was fun man :))) just that we had to wait alot and that it took like the enitre day to complete everything. 7 am to 1 am.. woah wanna die i tell you. the benches they let us sit on was so skinny it could only fit half my ass... and i couldnt lean on anything... but the best part is that there was uncle there selling civilian snacks! first time in BMT!!! bought m&ms and canned drinks man :) shook.

Hmm ytd was our first Graduation parade POP rehearsal and somehow it was super tough. i got dehydrated and almost fainted. It's really scary... first your body will tell you that there is not much water left. and then i will tell myself to tankthe whole thing. but then after a few seconds, your body will prompt you again and your hands and feet will start to feel numb. like pins and needles ttm and you cant move your fingers or toes. then you'll start to feel your chest compress and your stomach grumble... pictorially, it felt like there was a huge cliff inside my chest and it was so high tat when you peered over the edge, you'll get the fear of heights feeling... hahahaha and woah my heart started beating so fast. Everyone was standing still at this time. I couldnt stand straight anymore so i bent down. with whats left of the energy inside me, i raised my hand to call the sergeant. i couldnt talk anymore, i couldnt even look up at his face. I just gave him my pants of silence... he still continually asked what was wrong and all that lorh and in my mind i was like wtffffff... then he let me reitre at the training shelter.... woah i couldnt see man and everything was blur. couldnt feel my fingers so i begged the guy next to me to get my bottle out. then i drank the whole 1L bottle straight away..... then i got a headache... every sound i hear was pain for my head. i had to cover my ears... then i fell asleep in front of the sergeant major HAHA when i woke up, everything was still the same, numb fingers and all that but my headache subsided :) phew! what an experience man. To all those out there, DRINK UP.

other than that, nothing much to say now... hahaha my dear girlfriend is having her exams so i cant spend much time with her... but im cool with that :) somehow, absence makes the heart grow fonder :) but i still miss her :) hahaha all i have in camp is my hp... facebook isnt much cos we dont really update it often and twitter loads really slowly on my laptop... so yeah... hahaha plus this nokia is like forever on loud speaker and i dont dare to call anyone with it.. sucks. cant hear from anyone outside :( so this is how much i really really look forward to booking out!!@@!@##@!#!@#!

Tonight i actually wanted to skip bs, again, bcos i came home late from school and i needed that time to study. I've been pretty unproductive the past few days and my progress is really slow. Its only about 20 days left to prelims which means i have 20 days to cover ALL the topics from J1 to J2 for THREE huge subjects.... i dont think im gna make it but i'll pray hard and try. From tomorrow onwards, I am going to be alone. What God put into my heart got taken away. Maybe it wasnt taken away but just lack of trust and faith in Him. When you dream and the dream is directed in the wrong way, there is a big possibility it wont come true. Perhaps our distance from God didnt make that dream come true.

And so i went for BS and it was a good time of learning. No one came prepared and upon hearing that, i was quite angry bcos i thought i'd wasted my time. But, i guess it went the other way around.

First thing i learnt was that in our life dreams, we can dream whatever or whoever we want ourselves to be. God gave free will to decide for ourselves. But here's the complication, if he gave us free will, woudlnt it be wrong to say that he has a plan for us all in all before we were even born? This part im not too sure, but what im sure about is that we need ask God to come into hearts and to GRIP and CAPTURE us. Thereafter, we can dream all we want, even for the most superficial things like money. But since God has already gripped our hearts, i am very sure that the dreams we make, would be of His for us. For example, a normal person that doesnt know God would dream of earning big bucks. That is his life dream, to indulge himself in lavish materialism. But if God is in our hearts, we are ultimately fulfilling his plans. In the case of the man that dreams about money, this time he would give it back to society.

God created the universe, every aspect of it, the seas, stars, planets... HE has the resources and he OWNS the resources. Therefore, he entrusts people on this earth to help him manage his resources. That is why he makes some people so powerful and rich bcos they need to have those statuses in order to manage God's resources. Im talking about Christians who do work altruistically.

Our dreams are structures. Hmm.... Sex is also a structure. Every structure has a direction. When the direction is right, the structure would be a benefit la. Sex is meant only for people that are married, it is the Glue that binds a husband and a wife together, it unites, it empowers and it yeah la feels good. But if the direction is wrong, you get adultery, lust, pornography... all that shit. Coming back to dreams, we have to get the direction right. We can dream whatever we want, so long as the direction is valid in God's sense, he WILL help us. Unless he really objects or disapproves. He has his own ways. But this does not mean you cant dream, please DREAM.

My dream- to study economics, finance, or politics.... something in this section. I want to got to LSE.... But i do not take economics in JC... so its kinda impossible for me to go to such a prestigious college to do that. But to carry my dream into a Godly perspective, I still need to recognise and appreciate what i can do for GOd's kingdom if i venture into economics. Something which i still havent figured out. But give me time and i'll sort out my emotions and ambitions and cause.

One more thing which i learnt was to a concierge for God. you know in the hotels, you place alot of trust in the concierge. Every tourist, no matter how rich , richer, richest you are haha, you will ask the concierge like where can i go to get the best steak or where can i go to get the cheapest deals... These tourists no matter how rich or powerful the are, when they enter your country, they are at a loss of where to go... And can you imagine how much trust they put into the concierge? And so, the concierge would confidently tell the rich and powerful person and direct them to these places. We as Christians have to be a concierge for God, when we put on that uniform of a concierge, people will look to you for directions. You carry the name of God. So, there is no point in being afraid. I guess this is more applicable to Pong's case la cos he is part of this halftime thing that helps powerful and rich ppl go through their mid life crisis.... You need that courage to face them. This was where pong got his courage from.... sth liddat hahahaha

OK i need to sleep now. From tomorrow, i will begin to fast and pray while i fast. Theres so many things to pray for, especially the trauma im going through now. so i desperately need God's help. I cannot rely on anyone anymore. Tried but... neah didnt go so well.

Tmr, i am a changed man.

sorry

Hahaha, i was pondering over some thoughts i had today about some deep stuffs and it's so easy to say 'leave everything to God'. But i dont know how to do it, dependance is something that i know of and ive also shared about dependance during sec 2 bs last thursday. But do i really know what dependance is? Sigh maybe im such a hypocrite.

Anyway, this is really random, but i was playing scoops today HAHA. its been on my phone since time immemorial but i've stopped playing it a long time ago HAHA. I was bored so i decided to play it AGAIN... Dont know why, but i was able to 'relate' my life to such a simple no brainer game... Maybe the game designers were Christians and they had some ulterior evangelistic motive HAHAHA.



Our lives are pretty much like that ice cream cone in scoops. Especially mine. The ice creams fall from the heavens and we go around trying to collect it. Its like we try to find happiness and good and happy things in life that will make our ice cream taste good. God provides these good things in our life and it helps us grow (notice you grow taller with each scoop of ice cream). Also, there are also the Onions and Tomatoes that we try to avoid. Whats the meaning of this? The onions and tomatoes come from God too! They dont taste good and they make us seem like life sucks. But did you realise that each time you get an onion or a tomato, you grow too? God is the one responsible for the onions and tomatoes, he deliberately put those in our lives for us to learn and grow from. As much as we try to avoid it, you'll somehow kena one later in the game (later in life). It CANNOT be avoided.

After we get an onion or a tomato, we feel down and depressed. You feel like you wanna just quit and start a new game to build a perfect life. You crazy... We're not supposed to quit. God gave us life for a reason, there's a reason why youre walking on this planet. Anyway, after each dissatisfying onion, you'll start looking for a magic ice cream scoop to patch things up, to give you 'an extra life'. This magical ice cream scoop is like God dropping revelations for us, his revelation comes in many forms la, it can be through understanding, a miracle, realisations, people, loved ones etc. We have to pay real close attention if we wanna get these special scoops. Every time we keep focusing on the other good stuffs in life and we miss the opportunity to experience God's revelation and before you know it, its gone. This is why, i've learnt, we have to anticipate his revelations. This way we'll make sure we do not miss it. It's definitely there but we're so blind we fail to see it. God cannot keep dropping magical scoops for us to collect, it'll spoil us and we'll not learn. This is also the reason why life is tough. He wants us to grow slowly and effectively in His name. There is no short cut.

After you get the magical scoop, that single most delicious ice cream flavour in the house, it tastes OMEGA GOOD RIGHT??? You'll confirm feel happier, the 'extra life' keeps you going on in the game. motivation. Nothing else on this planet can beat that single magical scoop from God.

All im saying is that we have to pay more attention to what God is trying to tell us. He wants to tell us things, but we're so caught up in life till we put him second. We go after the good and superficial things in life, yes they make you grow but it cannot be compared to that magical revelation from God. It doesnt just make you grow, but it rejuvenates your life.

Keep quiet and wait on the Lord. This earth has nothing for me. God is all i need. i need to start depending on God. And stop fearing.



P.S. ive never reached the end of the game before, i wanna see what its like over there. Maybe there is no end! Trust in Jesus and have eternal life. Isaiah 26.